Apple Unveils Mysterious 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit—What’s Inside?

Remember when iPhones just sort of appeared in the palm of your hand—fully assembled, battery charged, Siri ready to judge your music taste? Well, imagine your next upgrade arriving in 7,083 tiny, anxiety-inducing pieces, plus a complimentary rock for—you guessed it—your DIY lithium mining adventure. Who needs family game night when you can host a soldering party in your living room and question every decision you’ve ever made? As Apple tries to sidestep tariffs with its most… interactive product launch yet, I can’t help but wonder: If you accidentally install Face ID upside down, will it only recognize you in a handstand? Dive in as I unpack this bold move by Tim Cook and ponder whether a warranty covers emotional breakdowns. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/TarrifStrainedAppkeNIBIHA-GR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE

CUPERTINO, CA—Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. “Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone,” Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters, touting the new product as an innovative, first-of-its-kind achievement and noting that the tech giant’s competitors were already scrambling to offer similar build-your-own products of their own. “Based on your level of manufacturing experience, it should take anywhere between one and four days to assemble, not counting any bathroom or sleep breaks. It’s the perfect family activity. Kids love it! It even comes with a free rock you can use to mine your own lithium.” At press time, Cook confirmed the kit was exclusively available to U.S. customers.