Mysterious Alarm Triggers Sudden White House Evacuation—What Set It Off?
“At approximately 10:02 a.m., a transgender individual actively approached the perimeter of a highly restricted cisgender-only area,” said Secret Service chief Sean Curran, adding that the trans alarm operated as intended when it immediately cut the lights, initiated a siren, and lowered several trans-resistant blast doors. “Thanks to our brave, quick-thinking officers on the White House security detail, President Trump and the penis he was born with are safe from any harmful hormone therapies or gential mutilation.”
“We train for this,” Curran added. “We are thankful the president was unharmed and remains a straight white cisgender male.”
In security video taken from the scene, Secret Service agents could be seen shielding Trump as they quickly outfitted him with a hormone-proof vest and whisked him across the White House lawn, where he was loaded into a Blackhawk helicopter. Upon reaching Andrews Air Force Base, he was reportedly flown to an undisclosed location in an anti-trans jet equipped with technology that allowed it to scan the area for androgyny, gender nonconformity, and other LGBTQ-related threats.
Following the administration’s established trans evacuation protocol, several prominent male officials, including Vice President JD Vance, deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller, and budget director Russell Vought, were ushered into the Traditional Values Bunker, a secure facility where they were given mandatory genital inspections, injected with a shot of testosterone, and ordered to pleasure themselves to completion while watching emergency hetero-
normative pornography.
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