Mysterious Alarm Triggers Sudden White House Evacuation—What Set It Off?
Traumatized staffers told reporters they barricaded themselves in their offices, frantically called 911, and texted their loved ones goodbye as the trans person walked past the building along Pennsylvania Avenue, appearing unafraid to shirk traditional gender norms and be unashamedly and unabashedly themselves.
“When I heard the trans alarm, I thought to myself, this is the end,” said 29-year-old White House aide Chase Kettering, adding that he hid under his desk, cried, and sent his wife what he feared would be a final photo of his genitals. “At that point, I kneeled down and prayed. I said, ‘God, holy father in heaven, please do not let the trans person turn me into a girl.’ Then I picked up a Bible, yelled as many slurs as I could think of, and started running.”
“At first I thought it was a drill,” Kettering continued. “But sadly, a trans person can strike at any time. These days, no one, and nowhere, is safe.”
Despite the severity of the security breach, President Trump is said to be in good spirits and to have spent the afternoon calling the victims’ families, including the children of a White House security official who was trampled to death by cis men fleeing the scene, and the wife of Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, who suffered fatal injuries when an anti-trans quarantine screen descended from the ceiling and sliced him in half. According to sources, press secretary Karoline Leavitt became collateral damage when she died in a hail of estrogen-seeking bullets that had been intended for the trans threat.
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