New CDC Guidelines on Female Body Hair Spark Unexpected Debate

Alright, let’s just rip this wax strip off quickly—have you ever wanted to know if your rogue elbow hair could be a matter of national security? Because apparently, the CDC thinks it is! I can’t help but wonder, in a world where we can’t even agree on pineapple on pizza, who decided a millimeter of thigh fuzz required government intervention? Reading these “urgent” female body hair guidelines, I nearly spat out my coffee, imagining the nation’s waxing salons prepping like they’re launching a moon mission. Is Big Razor running the show now? And why do I suddenly feel like Chewbacca at a TSA checkpoint? If you’re ready to dive into a world where stubble comes with a price tag and nostalgia for the 1977 wild bush era is officially back in fashion, you’re going to want to hold onto your tweezers—this one’s a doozy. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/CDCFemaleBody_Hair-IHA-GR-social-R.jpg”>LEARN MORE

ATLANTA—Stressing that the rules were formulated for the safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released new guidelines Thursday governing female body hair. “Effective immediately, women nationwide are advised to remove all hair from arms, legs, underarms, and genital areas or suffer the legal consequences,” said CDC spokesperson Jamie Reardon, stressing that failure to comply with the newly issued weekly waxing schedule for women 18 and over would result in a $50 fine for every hair spotted that was over a millimeter long. “Even so much as a thin landing strip or faint peach fuzz on the cheeks should be reported to authorities. That is, unless the woman in question has written approval from a male family member. But why would they do that? It’s true that body hair doesn’t cause diseases, per se. But it does look very gross.” This reportedly represents the first significant revisions to U.S. female body hair guidelines since 1977, when CDC director David Sencer urged all women to grow a full and unapologetic bush.