Secret Document Reveals Shocking Consequence for Anyone Caught Reading About Charlie Kirk

Ever wonder what it actually takes to lose your job in the digital age? Apparently, just a single mischievous click is all it takes—especially if that click lands you on an eyebrow-raising headline about Charlie Kirk . Oh, I’ve felt that pit-in-your-stomach, sweaty-palmed panic after reading something “risky” online, and now The Onion’s latest satirical scoop ratchets up that paranoia with the precision of a laser pointer in a boardroom full of cats. So, if you’ve ever worried that opening the wrong tab could get you fired—or that big brother is watching your every online move, right down to your professional demise—get ready. Tuck those feet in, because this one’s going to make you laugh, wince, and seriously consider deleting your browser history . Are we ever really safe from being “caught” at work, or is there always someone (or something) lurking, preparing the pink slip? Take a deep, guilty breath—then dive into the full absurdity here: LEARN MORE.

NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position,” the report read in part, revealing that the choice had been made after a brief conversation among your superiors in which it was repeatedly emphasized that your behavior in loading this page and spending nearly two minutes reading its content about the late Turning Point USA co-founder was an action inappropriate for the moment. “Your home address and phone number have been leaked to a large online database that has in turn been shared among activists who want to identify all those who err in their reading choices. There’s no use trying to click out of this tab now. Pack up your desk. The damage has already been done.” The report concluded that if you shared this article with a friend or family member, you should prepare yourself to be arrested on domestic terrorism charges.