Texas Allows Gun Shops in Psych Wards—But What’s Really Behind the Controversial Move?

Can you imagine strolling into a hospital psychiatric ward and seeing a “Buy One, Get a Free Trigger Lock” sign next to the admissions desk? No, seriously—Texas just took a hardline stance on gun rights that’ll leave your head spinning faster than a fidget spinner at a TikTok convention . If the Lone Star State had its way, you could pick up a prescription for anxiety and a semiautomatic rifle, all before your 2pm group therapy session . I’m genuinely gobsmacked (and, let’s be honest, pretty amused)—what’s next, gun raffles at anger management class? Buckle up, because this is satire so close to reality it’ll make you do a double-take . LEARN MORE

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the party-line vote as a major victory for the Second Amendment, the Texas House of Representatives successfully blocked a bill last week that would have prevented gun stores from operating inside of hospital psychiatric wards. “The government has no place infringing on the rights of honest business owners trying to sell semiautomatic handguns and rifles to people experiencing symptoms of acute mental illness, nor should it prevent the mentally unstable from acquiring those weapons,” said Texas House Speaker Dustin Burrows, gesturing to his pocket Constitution to explain that the United States was founded on the principle that violent, psychotic, and paranoid citizens should never be denied their basic right to bear arms. “Whether voluntarily admitted or involuntarily committed to a psych ward out of a fear they might hurt themselves or others, these patients have the same right to access legal firearms as any other American. If this plainly unconstitutional law had been passed, it would have left entire unhinged communities without the weapons they need to defend themselves against the cabal of powerful people they believe are disguising themselves as their friends, family, and grocery store baggers. In fact, these people often have a greater immediate need for firearms than most, as they are convinced they must take vengeance upon whomever the voices in their heads are telling them to shoot.” At press time, Burrows introduced a new bill that would permit gun stores to operate inside state forensic psychiatric institutions for those ruled criminally insane.