Unbelievable Success: How The Onion Took Over the Box Office Against All Odds

Has anyone else noticed summer movies are getting weirder, wilder, and—dare I say—just a touch more existential every year? If you’ve ever wondered “Is Ben Affleck legally allowed to keep making those Accountant movies?” or “What’s it take for a Minecraft adaptation to smuggle actual joy past the all-powerful brand guidelines committee?”—well, buckle up. The next wave of cinematic releases looks like someone shook the Hollywood snowglobe and let every oddball idea stick. We’ve got Robert Pattinson grappling with corporate evil and duplicate bodies, Harrison Ford proving literally anyone can join Marvel now, and—my personal favorite—an animated gecko desperately clawing his way out of the ’90s, bless his pixelated heart.

And yes, you read that right: Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart’s promotional photo just signed a three-picture deal . While you’re trying to decide whether to relive Looney Tunes existentialism or just binge YouTube train food reviews at a theater, ask yourself—how many more dystopias, remakes, and sly jabs at our collective exhaustion can we possibly absorb in one summer?

C’mon—it’s a wild ride and I wouldn’t miss it for all the box office bombs in Burbank! If you desperately need to know which movie will be “that” surprise hit, or just want someone to complain about all this with—I’m here for you . <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/JUMP2TheBrutalistIHAGR_R-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE