What’s Behind the Patriots’ Sudden Ban on Player Alcohol After Third Quarter?

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Tom Brady called a play blurry-eyed, holding a Bud Light instead of an actual playbook? Well, neither did I until I stumbled on the Patriots’ latest blockbuster policy shift. It’s the kind of news that makes you pause and think—are we all missing out on secret sideline happy hours? Imagine—grown men, world-class athletes, and, apparently, barstool champions, being told to cut off the brewskis before the game’s final act. There’s just something delightfully absurd about the idea of the Gillette Stadium locker room suddenly smelling like the back row of an amateur comedy club after midnight… I’m not sure if I’m amused, baffled, or just oddly proud of New England for tackling alcohol abuse with a play straight out of a sitcom. Is this what peak sports safety looks like, or just one more reason to keep water bottles out of quarterback reach? You decide—LEARN MORE.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter. “We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players’ rowdy and aggressive behavior,” said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while some may find the limit aggravating, he hoped the new rule would ensure a more orderly experience for all players in attendance. “There simply have been too many fights recently for us not to take action.” Kozachik added, “As a reminder, players will still be able to enjoy as many beers or other alcoholic beverages as they like during the game’s first three quarters, so long as they are not visibly intoxicated and purchase no more than two drinks at a time.” At press time, stadium security had reportedly discovered vodka inside several of the players’ water bottles after Patriots quarterback Drake Maye vomited all over the huddle.