23 Therapists Reveal the Shocking Signs They Knew Their Relationships Were Doomed—and How They Handled It
For me, generally “This is a bad relationship you don’t need” comes after the client identifies the relationship isn’t one they need. It’s used as a confirmation instead of a demand.
As a therapist it’s not my place to try to get them to reunify…that takes their power and gives it to me instead of me teaching them skills to make their own informed decision. That being said, whenever one half of the couple comes in and says they’re there because their spouse made them come, it’s pretty rare that they decide to stay together.
All relationships are “resolvable” until one party decides they won’t put in the effort. These people are fairly easy to spot, even at the beginning. Still, humans have a great capacity for change and surprises do occur.
I try not to think of this issue in terms of “can I help them” as much as “will they do what is necessary to repair this relationship.” It is often immediately clear that discrepancies exist in motivation, and this usually holds true upon further assessment. Here are the couples I see that I’m less optimistic about:
Couples who refuse to participate in counseling. I give all kinds of homework, usually related to enhancing communication and building connection. Couples who come back after the first few sessions and report zero effort to do any homework (and not just my homework, but things that would serve the same purpose) are usually couples who have checked out.
Heterosexual couples where men refuse to accept that their female partners have anything valuable to say.
Couples who want me to be a referee.
Couples where one partner “just knows that so-and-so is cheating and why wont they just admit it already.”
Fighting I can handle. Intimacy issues I can handle. But folks that want me to wave a magic wand and fix their marriage, folks who are trapped in an ideological box that tells them they don’t need to do any work, are usually not ready for help.
I’m not technically licensed yet, but I’m practicing as a couples therapist. My own personal belief is that I don’t know if a couple can make it or not. There are tons of different kinds of marriages, and people get really creative at making it work.
I’ve only been at it a year, but I’ve seen some pretty amazing things, including couples on the brink of divorce getting back to where they used to be, and some pretty sexist husbands start to realize that maybe women are worth respecting. Its taught me to not give up hope.
That said, I won’t help couples who are actively violent- especially if there’s power involved (ie, only one of the partners is violent towards the other, rather than both get physical with each other). For that, I suggest they separate until the violent one can get some coping skills and be safe.
Former therapist. There is no such thing as being right for each other.
Any two people can make a positive life together if they so choose. However, communication, understanding, and acceptance play huge roles in that.
At times, it becomes pretty clear either one or both partners aren’t willing to compromise or come together on certain issues.
But to answer your question. I’ve never gone out and said it because a good therapist shouldn’t. But i have said that things needs to be addressed and both need to take a more active role in their marriage/relationship otherwise it is bound to fail.
Nearly graduated couples therapist here— generally there aren’t many issues that can come up that are completely unresolvable but there are some. Generally though it just comes down to compromising and if you can actually slow down and “hear” your partner properly. Sadly many couples come to therapy too late for this and simply can’t muster up the motivation to complete homework assignments or really take what us therapists say to heart. It’s kinda sad, but the couples who I’ve seen be the most successful in therapy are the ones who come in early on when they recognize a problem, are fully committed to one another, and really put effort into things. Only 40% of work done in therapy is really up to the therapist. The rest is up to the clients, therapists can only do so much.
What I try to do with my clients is step out of the mindset that they are “right” or “wrong” for each other, and instead help them to both try and validate who the other person just “is” while asserting their own identity, needs, feelings, desires for themselves. If a couple is able to do this, in my mind, then they are able to at least continue as a couple for some more time to come. If they are not, they hopefully come to this understanding on their own – and I try to be up front about my beliefs with them at the start. Sadly, usually if they’re not succeeding in reconciliation they leave therapy and may blame the therapist for being unhelpful, more than their relationship being irreparable. And that could be true!
As a therapist, I know it’s common for one or both people to go to therapy to check a box. You know the “I did everything I could” box. If that is the did attitude that you have your chances for success are slimmer, though not impossible. I don’t tell anyone they shouldn’t be together. I do point out that there actions or attitudes might not demonstrate that the relationship is very important to them. The *only* time I recommend seriously that people not be together is in the case of abuse. The first priority them is to protect the victim(s).
Pretty often one person is the problem – but the other person is the issue. The issue is communicating, acceptance, or indecision.
Ie. One spouse is lazy and a lout and the other person has had to deal with it and grown resentful. A lazy lout after 15 years will never be significantly different to you or erase the frustration you have. You being angry about that wont stop them from being what they are
