23 Therapists Reveal the Shocking Signs They Knew Their Relationships Were Doomed—and How They Handled It
I might ask questions like, “do you feel like living this way is sustainable?” etc, to get the gears turning. Generally I help people feel more confident about how they’re already feeling/what they already want to do.
Most depressing thing I ever heard from my friend who is a couples therapist is that the relationships hardly ever work out because it’s usually too late by the time they are seeking therapy.
More often than you’d think, people come into marriage counseling after they’ve already decided their marriage is over. Often, people feel pressured to “try to fix it” by doing professional couples work, when in reality they’re just doing it so they can look back after the divorce and be able to say they’ve done everything they could. If I get that sense, I often ask them if I’m there to help them repair their marriage, or if my job will be to facilitate a healthy divorce process or co-parenting plan. Many couples seem relieved when this comes up, as pretending to do the work of couples therapy is, in that case, just delaying the inevitable.
Edit- also, it’s extremely unethical to continue to provide services that will not be of a benefit to them. So, the thought process OP describes would be a terrible example of a therapist. Referring cases to someone else or simply saying, “I can’t help and here’s why..” is more than okay.
I saw a couple that was doing “retaliatory” cheating (and telling each other about it). When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don’t know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering. It was their decision to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted.
Other clients realize what they really want is “divorce counselling”. What’s the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?
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