23 Therapists Reveal the Shocking Signs They Knew Their Relationships Were Doomed—and How They Handled It
At times, it becomes pretty clear either one or both partners aren’t willing to compromise or come together on certain issues.
But to answer your question. I’ve never gone out and said it because a good therapist shouldn’t. But i have said that things needs to be addressed and both need to take a more active role in their marriage/relationship otherwise it is bound to fail.
Nearly graduated couples therapist here— generally there aren’t many issues that can come up that are completely unresolvable but there are some. Generally though it just comes down to compromising and if you can actually slow down and “hear” your partner properly. Sadly many couples come to therapy too late for this and simply can’t muster up the motivation to complete homework assignments or really take what us therapists say to heart. It’s kinda sad, but the couples who I’ve seen be the most successful in therapy are the ones who come in early on when they recognize a problem, are fully committed to one another, and really put effort into things. Only 40% of work done in therapy is really up to the therapist. The rest is up to the clients, therapists can only do so much.
What I try to do with my clients is step out of the mindset that they are “right” or “wrong” for each other, and instead help them to both try and validate who the other person just “is” while asserting their own identity, needs, feelings, desires for themselves. If a couple is able to do this, in my mind, then they are able to at least continue as a couple for some more time to come. If they are not, they hopefully come to this understanding on their own – and I try to be up front about my beliefs with them at the start. Sadly, usually if they’re not succeeding in reconciliation they leave therapy and may blame the therapist for being unhelpful, more than their relationship being irreparable. And that could be true!
As a therapist, I know it’s common for one or both people to go to therapy to check a box. You know the “I did everything I could” box. If that is the did attitude that you have your chances for success are slimmer, though not impossible. I don’t tell anyone they shouldn’t be together. I do point out that there actions or attitudes might not demonstrate that the relationship is very important to them. The *only* time I recommend seriously that people not be together is in the case of abuse. The first priority them is to protect the victim(s).
Pretty often one person is the problem – but the other person is the issue. The issue is communicating, acceptance, or indecision.
Ie. One spouse is lazy and a lout and the other person has had to deal with it and grown resentful. A lazy lout after 15 years will never be significantly different to you or erase the frustration you have. You being angry about that wont stop them from being what they are
