“Sun-Kissed Showdown: White Women’s Bold Plan to Measure Tan Against Diversity Sparks Controversy!”
In a quirky twist of societal humor, a recent announcement has sparked a chuckle or two, particularly among those of us who’ve long felt the sunburnt pangs of summer. America’s white women, on a mission that’s both baffling and amusing, have declared their intent to embark on a heartfelt—if a touch misguided—journey of comparing their suntanned arms with those of their brown-skinned counterparts. Yes, you read that right! The sun-kissed brigade aims to celebrate their newly acquired hue by rolling up their sleeves and engaging in what I can only describe as an informal shade-off.
Representing this initiative, the delightfully earnest Lisa Brakeman cheerfully outlined their plan—because who better to tackle the complex and nuanced issue of skin tone than those who spend half the year trying to remember what sunshine feels like? With the seriousness of a state of emergency, they’ve pledged to document the slightest change in their melanin levels and reminisce, fondly, about their ghostly winters. It’s like they think a tan is the new vacation souvenir. Will this endeavor bring us closer together in our appreciation of hue—or simply lead us to a summer filled with awkward tan-lined selfies? Either way, one thing’s for sure: they’ll be talking about those sunburns!
WASHINGTON—Refusing to rest until the true scope of their skin’s melanin potential had been communicated to all those in their orbit, America’s white women announced a comprehensive new plan Monday to compare their suntanned arms against those of a brown person. “Let us be totally clear: Whether you are of African, Latino, Arab, or South Asian descent, or of any brown- or olive-skinned ethnicity, we are fully committed to rolling up our sleeves to compare our suntan against your normal skin tone,” said white woman representative Lisa Brakeman, who pledged to prioritize taking such action immediately upon returning from vacation or any extended period of time spent outdoors in the sun. “As white women, we promise to underscore any change in our skin tone, however slight, by talking at length about how ghostly pale we typically are in the winter months and how prone to freckles we were as children. In some extreme cases, we are even prepared to speculate as to whether our tan could be the result of a distant ancestor of a different race.” Brakeman concluded the joint statement with a solemn reminder of how lucky people of color were to be spared the pain of sunburn.
The post Nation’s White Women Announce Plan To Compare Suntanned Arm Against Brown Person’s appeared first on The Onion.
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