“Can Compliments Break the Stammer? Democrats Struggle with Praise Amid Growing Tensions”
In a world where political parties often live under a cloud of disappointment, the Democratic National Committee seems to have stumbled upon a curious phenomenon: actual, genuine praise from their constituents! Yes, you heard that right. Picture this: DNC chair Jaime Harrison, flabbergasted, standing before a convention crowd that isn’t throwing tomatoes but—wait for it—smiles and applause! It’s a bit like finding out that your cat actually likes being petted after years of skepticism. With disbelief hanging in the air, Harrison can’t help but wonder if he’s fallen into an alternate universe where voters are thrilled about the presidential candidates without the customary eye rolls and sighs of resignation. So, what’s the secret sauce here? Is it Kamala Harris and Tim Walz? Or have Democrats just lost the ability to communicate disappointment? Either way, the DNC’s newfound ability to accept compliments is uncharted territory worth exploring—assuming they can figure out what to do when happy voters show up.
CHICAGO—Admitting this was the first time in quite a while they’d heard anything remotely close to positive feedback, stammering and confused Democratic National Committee leaders were reportedly unsure Monday how to process newfound praise from their constituents. “You like the candidates? Really? That’s…huh,” DNC chair Jaime Harrison said to a group of voters on the opening day of his party’s convention, later telling reporters that it was bewildering to name the Democratic nominees for president and vice president and not be greeted with indifference or resentment. “We’re going with Kamala Harris and Tim Walz—who, don’t get me wrong, are great—but you guys…you’re okay with them, too? Wow. I don’t even… But you seem pretty happy. This isn’t some kind of trick, is it? Because this isn’t even a ticket anyone voted on at the polls.” At press time, Harrison appeared to leap back in fear and demanded to know why so many Democratic voters were turning up the corners of their mouths, exposing their teeth, and clapping their hands together at a rapid pace.
The post Stammering Democrats Unsure How To Accept Positive Feedback appeared first on The Onion.
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