“Revolutionary Prosthetic Hand Raises Eyebrows: Is 63% Malfunction the New Norm?”
Ever wondered what it’s like to have a prosthetic hand that might just strangle you? Well, researchers at MIT have unveiled a real doozy: an improved prosthetic hand that only chokes its owner 63% of the time! Sounds like a huge leap forward, right? Lead designer Alan Dao proudly boasts that this new marvel of engineering is the first prosthetic hand that’s not entirely hell-bent on taking you out for its own gain. With spiffy new safety features, the hand’s artificial skin is less likely to leave unsightly lesions when it’s not busy attempting to wrestle your windpipe. I mean, who would’ve thought that a “choke-free” hand would be such a milestone in the world of prosthetics? And that’s not all—the improved grip means it can still crush your spinal cord in record time if it gets a little too ambitious. Buckle up, folks; it looks like the future of prosthetics is both thrilling and terrifying!
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Boasting new safety features that have drastically cut down on patient fatalities, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled an improved prosthetic hand this week that only chokes its owner 63% of the time. “With a superior level of control, our new prosthetic hand is the first that isn’t guaranteed to take control of your arm and wrap itself around your windpipe in a bid to control your body,” said lead designer Alan Dao, who noted that the prosthetic hand’s new artificial skin covering is much less likely to leave lesions when it does attempt to squeeze your neck until suffocation. “A choke-free hand has always been the holy grail of prosthetic design, but it was only recently that we could get the processing power necessary to override these devices’ inherent desire to kill. It has a more natural range of motion that makes it easier to grip delicate objects, and the device is also way less likely to grab a butcher knife and drive it into your stomach so it can claim your life as its own. In fact, this is such a big step forward that we think we can get the murder rate by prosthetic limbs below 25% by the end of the century.” Dao added that while the new hand is less likely to choke you, improved grip strength means if it does, it can crush your spinal cord in seconds.
