“Unseen Shields: Revolutionary Strategies the Secret Service Could Implement to Fortify Trump’s Security”
The United States Secret Service is once again in the spotlight, and not for any glamorous reasons. Apparently, former President Donald Trump has come under threat not once, but twice in just three months! Talk about taking “presidential protection” to another level. Can you imagine the Secret Service brainstorming new ways to tighten security, perhaps while snacking on donuts and nervously glancing at the clock? In this satirical piece from The Onion, you’ll find a list packed with downright absurd suggestions, including everything from disguising Trump in a ghillie suit to faking his own death. So, what’s next? A presidential bowling night? Buckle up for some tongue-in-cheek hilarity as it delves into the unorthodox tactics that just might do the trick. Sounds bizarre, right? Well, that’s the charm of it! LEARN MORE
The United States Secret Service is under scrutiny again after former President Donald Trump was the target of a second assassination attempt in less than three months. The Onion examines ways the agency can boost Trump’s security.
Reduce number of ex-goon hires: The fewer agents who stumble into a room saying, “Uhh, what’s dat over there, boss?†the better.
Put Trump in a ghillie suit: By disguising the former president in high-quality camouflage, Trump will be able to wander the swamps and forests of the U.S. safely.
Say “Look! He’s over there!â€: This age-old diversion tactic has foiled countless assassination attempts around the world for thousands of years.
Teach Trump the catch-a-bullet-in-your-mouth trick: If David Blaine could do it, then so can our 45th president.Â
Tweet “If anyone wants to kill Trump, please let us know, thank you,†from the official Secret Service account: Giving potential assassins the opportunity to come forward on their own first only makes sense. Â
Transport Trump in a big suitcase: No one would suspect a thing.
More team bonding: While not directly tied to Trump’s safety, wouldn’t it be nice if the whole Secret Service team did a bowling night or something? Everyone has been so tightly wound lately.
Change his shoes mid-journey: Even the most skilled tracker will be thrown off by the sudden change in footprints.
Let him wear his Spider-Man costume: Trump knows that Spider-Man is powerful enough to stop bad guys, so being in the costume will help him feel more safe.
Experiment with a four-day workweek: While it may seem counterintuitive at first, studies have shown it can lead to increased productivity and focus among many workers.
Fake his death: Nobody will try to kill a president if they think he’s already dead.
Establish a second, more secret service: And if that fails, a third.
The post Ways Secret Service Can Improve Trump’s Security appeared first on The Onion.
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