“Behind the Scenes: Why Peter Thiel Is Desperate to Save J.D. Vance Mid-Broadcast”
In a world where political debates often feel like scripted reality shows, just how far can technology go to help candidates perform? Well, venture capitalist Peter Thiel took tech support to a whole new level when he dashed onstage mid-debate to troubleshoot his glitching vice presidential candidate, J.D. Vance. As frustration mounted over Vance’s awkward, circuitous answers—including jaw-droppingly inappropriate phrases like “girls of menstruating age”—Thiel’s solution involved a paperclip and some old-fashioned rebooting. One has to wonder: is Vance’s malfunction a case of typical political blunders or something more sinister, like a covert malware attack? As the evening unfolded, it felt like reality—a lurching, unpredictable journey of outlandish claims and comedic misfires. Join us as we delve into this bizarre scenario that feels like it could be straight out of an absurdist comedy. LEARN MORE.
NEW YORKâCursing under his breath at yet another round of inapt debate answers from the vice presidential candidate, venture capitalist Peter Thiel reportedly rushed onstage Tuesday to restart a glitching J.D. Vance during a commercial break. “Seriously? For what I paid for this thing, it should work flawlessly,” said the billionaire investor, striding confidently past moderator Norah O’Donnell to insert a paperclip into Vance’s ear and initiate a hard reset that might stop the short-circuiting candidate from repeating the phrase “girls of menstruating age” in response to a question on inflation. “Shit, I probably just need to wipe its memory banks clean. I’ll have to re-upload all the anti-pornography tirades, but it’s better than spending the evening on edge worried about another malfunction. Probably some kind of Russian malware got installed, honestly.” At press time, Thiel was seen rapidly paging through Vance’s instruction manual as the politician sparked up and said the word “inseminate” in an increasingly high-pitched voice.
