“Divine Intervention or Scientific Breakthrough? Vatican Sends Micro-Missionaries to Convert Bacteria!”
In an unexpectedly divine twist, the Vatican has taken to the microscopic realm with a novel initiative: the first-ever journey of “micro-missionaries” aimed at converting native bacteria! Yes, you read that right – they’re now sending tiny spiritual leaders to mingle with the likes of E. coli and salmonella, armed with 0.1-micron-wide Bibles so small they’d make the most miniature bookworm weep with joy. Archbishop Francesco Giordano Cacia passionately declared that even these “benighted microorganisms” deserve a chance at understanding heavenly concepts, because, hey, who are we to limit salvation to just big, multi-celled beings? And while the thought of bacteria grappling with the concept of the Holy Trinity is amusing enough, perhaps nobody anticipated the dramatic end to this mission, as news broke that a ferocious batch of bacteria had decimated the entire team! So, are we ready to contemplate the spiritual fate of our microscopic friends, or is this just a case of divine comedy gone too far? LEARN MORE.
VATICAN CITY—Saying the effort could bring the Lord’s message to an entirely different scale of life, the Vatican dispatched its first-ever micro-missionaries Wednesday on a trip to convert native bacteria. “The church teaches that God’s glory shines upon all living things, even the heathen E. coli and salmonella bacteria our microscopic pastors will be ministering to,†said Archbishop Francesco Giordano Cacia, who described the painstaking effort that went into outfitting the tiny missionaries with 0.1-micron-wide Bibles and crucifixes far smaller than a grain of sand so that the “benighted microorganisms†might be educated about concepts such as heaven, hell, and the Holy Trinity. “Just because they worship a massive piece of rotting fruit now doesn’t mean these unicellular beings cannot eventually achieve salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. They might lack organelles or an organized nucleus, but we all share in God’s abundant love.†At press time, the Vatican lamented that dozens of spear-wielding bacteria had killed every member of its first micro-mission.
The post Vatican Dispatches Micro-Missionaries On First-Ever Trip To Convert Native Bacteria appeared first on The Onion.
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