“Time’s Ticking: MLB Implements Controversial Clock Requirement to Challenge Joe Davis’ Legendary Commentary Skills”

In a move that’s sure to ignite a maelstrom of opinions around the water cooler—or perhaps the concession stand—Major League Baseball is proposing a radical change that could resoundingly alter the viewing experience for fans: a timer to rein in the meandering monologues of Joe Davis. Yes, you read that right! As if the excitement of a tight game wasn’t enough, Commissioner Rob Manfred shared that millions of weary viewers have voiced their frustrations over Davis’s tendency to lapse into drawn-out sagas that seem to linger longer than a rain delay. So what’s the plan? A 30-second countdown to keep his commentary brisk and, dare I say, relevant. Could this revolutionary approach be the antidote to the boredom that sometimes creeps into our beloved pastime? Buckle up, because it sounds like baseball might finally be stepping into the 21st century—one short anecdote at a time. LEARN MORE

NEW YORK—Issuing a rule change they claimed was necessary to bring the game into the 21st century, Major League Baseball officials announced Wednesday they would add a clock to speed up Joe Davis’ commentary. “Adding a 30-second clock to cut down on Joe’s long, rambling commentary is, frankly, a long overdue improvement that will help streamline the broadcast,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred, who revealed that millions of fans had requested the new clock, having grown tired of the Fox Sports announcer’s slow and increasingly irrelevant analysis. “Now, a countdown starts the moment Davis launches into one of his drawn-out anecdotes. If he finishes that, he gets an additional 15 seconds to make a single meaningful utterance about what’s happening on the field. When he inevitably fails to do so, we cut his mic. We think fans are going to love that part.” Manfred added that if Davis failed to silence himself three times in a row, he would receive a season-long ban from professional broadcasting.