“Unlock the Secrets of Steak: Kenji López-Alt’s Mind-Bending Sear Method Will Change Your Grilling Forever!”
In a culinary twist that seems downright interdimensional, celebrated chef J. Kenji López-Alt has stepped out from what he’s dubbed the “Beef Dimension” with a mind-bending sear method that could make even the most seasoned steak lovers do a double take. Just when you thought it was safe to settle for your trusty ‘rare’ or ‘well-done,’ he’s here to shatter those comforting norms with astonishing revelations about non-Euclidean tri-tips and the cosmic interplay of beef and stovetops. Could it be that we’ve been cooking wrong all along? As López-Alt grapples with revelations that make our notions of doneness feel utterly pedestrian, he invites us to rethink the very fabric of our meat-cooking beliefs. Who knew a simple sear could inspire such profound—if somewhat chaotic—philosophy? In a world where beef may hold secrets far more complex than we ever imagined, I can’t help but wonder: Are we ready to embrace the eerie majesty of the cast iron? If you’re hungry for the full story, you can check it out here: <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/KenjiLopezAltNIB-IHAGR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.
SEATTLE—Phasing into our reality with instructions for the new cooking technique, J. Kenji López-Alt returned from the Beef Dimension with a previously unknown sear method that was beyond human comprehension, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I have glimpsed the cosmic dance of the meat and the stovetop and borne witness to beef’s true nature,” said the chef and bestselling author of The Food Lab, who reportedly caused those around him to grow concerned as he jabbered incoherently about mountains of non-Euclidean tri-tips that needed to be cooked on high for both an instant and a thousand eternities. “Oh, you fools, unaware that your pathetic, comforting doctrine of ‘rare, medium, or well-done’ is a lie protecting your fragile consciousness from the culinary tips and tricks that exist beyond the grasp of your minds. I fear humanity will never realize its folly, never tremble before the awesome and terrifying power of beefdom. All hail the cast iron! All hail the oil!” At press time, a screaming López-Alt was seen writhing in agony as his entire face reconstituted into a half-pound porterhouse.
