“Shocking Twist: FDA Takes Unprecedented Action Against Captain Morgan Rum—What College Students Never Expected!”
In a move that might leave partygoers everywhere questioning their drink choices and their life decisions, the FDA has thrown a curveball straight from the bottom of college bar memory lane. Imagine this: some of the most distinguished health officials bearing the weight of nostalgia—mixed with just a sprinkle of regret—announcing a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum. After all, who among us hasn’t suffered the wrath of a poorly timed shot at a Friday night rager? FDA Commissioner Robert M. Califf certainly made his stance clear, choking back memories (and possibly yesterday’s burrito) as he declared this beloved beverage to be as palatable as floor cleaner. And if you thought Captain Morgan was alone in this liquor limbo, Bacardi Raspberry is sliding right into the ban list too! It seems we’re collectively saying goodbye to both of these guilty pleasures that have haunted not just our weekends, but also those Tuesday hangover cures. So, what’ll it be—sipping on soda or treating yourself to a little more of the spirits that made you cringe? Grab your mop buckets, folks—it’s about to get messy! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/FDABansNIBIHAGR.webp”>LEARN MORE.
WASHINGTON—In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they’d had way too much of that shit in college. “Captain Morgan Rum is not suitable for…ugh, we just need to get rid of that disgusting garbage,” FDA commissioner Robert M. Califf said between pauses to suppress his body’s reflexive urge to vomit, adding that Bacardi Raspberry would also be made illegal for human consumption as he finally retched into a mop bucket. “Our data indicates Captain Morgan rum is nasty as fuck. In one study, even the hardest drinkers in our friend group were throwing up by, like, 9:30 p.m. and were passed out in the bathtub a half hour later. In addition, the test subjects were completely hungover for the entire hellish weekend.” Califf, after admitting that maybe he could stomach Captain Morgan rum again now that so much time had passed, reportedly tried taking one sip and instantly puked into his briefcase.
