“Chaos at the Inauguration: Pete Hegseth’s Wild Golf Cart Incident Leaves Spectators in Shock!”

In the annals of inaugurations past, it’s rare to find a moment that proudly blends absurdity and chaos like a well-shaken cocktail, but leave it to Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth to prove us wrong! Picture this: a presidential inauguration, a moment of solemnity, and then—BAM! Hegseth careens onto the stage in a golf cart, leaving a trail of confusion and disbelief in his wake. With a cackle reminiscent of a cartoon villain, he stumbles out, bloodied and boisterous, greeting the stunned crowd like he’s just emerged from some wild frat party that went off the rails at 8 AM. You’ve got to ask yourself—when did political decorum take a backseat to a whiskey-fueled golf cart joyride? Grab your popcorn, folks, because this inaugural adventure is definitely one for the history books! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/PeteHegsethSB-IHA_GR-SOCIAL.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror, Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential inauguration Monday. “Ooooh shiiiiit, what the fuck was that?” said the bewildered former Fox News host, who, after stumbling out of the vehicle and touching his hand to his bleeding forehead, strolled through the Capitol rotunda, took a large swig of whiskey, and then lost his balance while attempting to throw a haymaker at Chief Justice John Roberts. “John! Johnny boy! Justice J! Nice robes—for a girl! Ha ha, am I right? Anyways, what are you doing here? Did I miss the swearing-in thing? Also, FYI, you should probably do something about that podium. It came out of nowhere.” At press time, Hegseth was attempting to sing the alphabet backwards to prove he was sober, only to be escorted out by Secret Service after vomiting all over the inaugural Bible.