“Underworld Merchant’s Shocking Confession: Why the ‘Squid Game’ Obsession is Haunting His Dark Trade”

In a world where reality and fiction sometimes blur, one black market organ dealer, Randy Haines, is finding the intersections of his life hilariously frustrating. Imagine working in a profession that’s as eyebrow-raising as it is illegal, only to have casual acquaintances incessantly ask you if your day-to-day is reminiscent of a hit Netflix show. Randy isn’t just a character; he’s a human being mopping up after a hard day’s work, and yet every casual conversation seems to thrust him back into the visceral chaos he leaves behind. “Have you seen Squid Game?” they inquire, blissfully unaware that for him, it’s not just entertainment, it’s a reality he’d rather escape—with a spoonful of ice cream in hand, thank you very much! So, what’s a guy gotta do to enjoy an evening without the unsolicited comparisons? Dive into this quirky story to find out! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/BlackMarketNIB-IHA_GR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Saying he had grown irritated with all the people who wanted to know if his occupation was anything like the popular Netflix series, black market organ dealer Randy Haines told reporters Wednesday he was tired of being asked if he had ever seen Squid Game. “I’m sure it’s a perfectly fine show, but it’s annoying that everyone assumes I watch it just because my job is illegally harvesting human organs and selling them for money,” Haines said as he mopped blood off the floor of his workspace, explaining that when he told people he had never seen the program, he would inevitably have to listen for several minutes as they described its premise and talked about why they liked it so much. “Truth is, the last thing I want to do at the end of a long day is watch something that reminds me of organ trafficking and makes me feel like I’m right back at work again. I love what I do for a living, but no thanks. I’d rather relax with a couple episodes of Bridgerton and a big bowl of ice cream in my lap.” At press time, Haines reportedly lost his temper with a customer who asked if he’d seen Squid Game, yelling at them to just take the cooler full of kidneys and “get the fuck out of [his] face.”