“Unexpected Bonds Under Fire: Why the Department of Interior is Cracking Down on Unlikely Animal Friendships”

In a move that’s sure to ruffle some feathers—and perhaps fur—the U.S. Department of the Interior has decided to crack down on those adorable but “unnatural” animal friendships we’ve all come to love—yes, I’m talking about the Instagram-popularized pairs of animals that should never be friends! From chimps and puppies to magpies and pigs, these unlikely snuggles are now officially illegal, according to Secretary Doug Burgum. But honestly, is this really what we need right now? I mean, don’t we have enough to deal with without the government policing the hearts of our furry friends? As cuddly companions from different species run rampant as social media darlings, it seems someone’s a bit jealous of the cuteness overload. Curious about how the administration justifies this hilariously absurd decree? You’ve got to read on for the full scoop! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/DepaartmentOfNIBIHAGR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Fulfilling a campaign promise made by President Donald Trump, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday that it was enacting a ban on unlikely animal friendships, effective immediately. “Starting today, any animal found frolicking or snuggling with an animal of another species—for example, a chimp cuddling a puppy or a magpie preening a pig—is in violation of the law and will be prosecuted accordingly,” said Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, adding that the word “unlikely” would be replaced with the more scientifically accurate descriptor “unnatural” in all government documents going forward. “Americans are fed up with having adorable interspecies companions shoved down their throats. If you witness a fox paling around with a goat or a tortoise sharing a strawberry with a guinea pig, we ask that you report it to the authorities. And if you’re a lion who’s befriended a pigeon or a coyote thinking about napping with a chipmunk, just know that we see you and we’re coming for you.” At press time, Burgum denounced reports that his own pet golden retriever was friends with a local squirrel as “more lies from the left-wing media.”