“Nightmare Alert: Woman’s Ambien-Induced Book Binge Has Her Questioning Reality and Her Reading Choices!”

In a world where late-night impulses can lead to a regrettable library binge, one woman is coming to terms with her unfortunate affinity for literature under the influence. Meet Brittany Marino from Columbus, Ohio, who recently woke up in a panic after discovering her staggering library haul—16 books, including a questionable title called The Refugee. Can you imagine the horror of falling into a drug-induced literary frenzy? As Brittany navigates her regretful reading list, she’s made a dramatic decision: no more Ambien! Join us as we dive into her bookish misadventures and the all-too-relatable struggle of keeping one’s nightstand from becoming a mini-library of shame. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/HorrifiedWomanSwears-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

COLUMBUS, OH—Reeling as she took stock of the damage done in her debilitated state, area woman Brittany Marino told reporters Wednesday she had sworn off Ambien for good after she woke up and saw how many library books she had put on hold the previous night. “Oh no, not again—I reserved 16 books, and one of them is just called The Refugee? What the fuck is that? I can’t keep doing this,” said Marino, appearing horrified as she scrolled through her local library’s mobile app and discovered the binge of holds she had placed during her drug-induced state of parasomnia. “Oh my God, what have I done to my reading list? I added every last one of the staff picks to my cart. I don’t even like Jodi Picoult! And—Jesus Christ, they really let me reserve six copies of Intermezzo? What the hell am I going to do with those? I either need to lock up my phone at night or stop taking Ambien altogether.” At press time, Marino’s terror reportedly turned to nausea as she realized she had also reserved five different audiobooks, all of them narrated by Amy Schumer.