“While His Daughter Walked Down the Aisle, This Dad’s Mind Drilled Deep into the Secrets of Oil’s Legacy – What He Discovered Will Shock You!”

As weddings sweep in like a tidal wave of love and confusion, who could blame a dad for drifting off into the murky depths of history? In a bizarre twist of fate, local father Brendan Canfield found himself at his daughter Ellie’s wedding, not just basking in the joy of the day, but deep in thought about—of all things—the history of oil. I mean, really, who needs a heartfelt father-daughter moment when you can ponder ancient hydrocarbons? With visions of Abraham Gesner and the birth of kerosene dancing in his head, Canfield somehow managed to walk Ellie down the aisle while steeped in thoughts about economic booms and the wonders of plastics. It’s a wild ride of emotions when one moment you’re misty-eyed watching your little girl marry the love of her life, and the next, you’re marveling at the ingenuity that brought us the modern world. What’s a dad to do? At least he remembered the groom’s name! If you’re curious about how a wedding turned into a history lesson, then buckle up and enjoy the ride. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/DadSpendsNIBPHG.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

MOUNT CLEMENS, MI—With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings of ancient organic matter becoming trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, local dad Brendan Canfield reportedly spent his daughter Ellie’s wedding Friday thinking about the history of oil. According to sources, the father walked the bride down the aisle while considering the ingenuity of men like Abraham Gesner, who harassed the natural power of oil as kerosene, and pondering the rush for energy-dense hydrocarbons that led to the explosive growth of cities like Los Angeles. Witnesses also reported that when his daughter and her betrothed exchanged vows, a tear welled up in Canfield’s eye, a result of contemplating the incredible human ingenuity that led to plastics, cosmetics, and all the other goods that fueled the greatest economic boom in human history. At press time, a smile was seen growing upon the dad’s face as he shook the hand of his daughter’s new husband and remembered that his name was Derek.