“Trump’s Bold Move: Is Remedial English the Key to Uniting a Divided Nation?”

In a jaw-dropping twist that’s bound to leave you both amused and maybe just a tad bewildered, President Donald Trump recently decided to shake up our nation’s communication game by signing an executive order officially designating remedial English as the new official language of the United States. You read that right! Gone are the days of eloquent speeches and articulate debates—now, it’s all about keeping it short, sweet, and well… kinda silly. With a mandate that’s practically begging for a grammar lesson, the executive order outlines a preference for one-syllable words and, believe it or not, encourages misspellings! I mean, why use “extraordinary” when you can just say “good”? It’s a bold move toward a more “unified” government, but one has to wonder—what’s next, a nationwide spelling bee? To dive deeper into this charmingly chaotic decree, make sure to check out the full scoop. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/TrumpSignsLanguage-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation’s official language remedial English. “Going forward, all government communications must be really short and lack any kind of coherent grammatical structure,” read the executive order, which also mandated that official documents could not contain words that were more than one syllable long, could not use difficult modifiers like adverbs, and should ideally include numerous misspellings. “We will no longer permit fancy-sounding grown-up words, but will instead use ones that are easy to sound out if you think real hard. For instance, words that start with “kn,” “gn,” or a silent “h” are bad. But words like ‘dog,’ ‘mom,’ and ‘dad’ are good.” At press time, the Department of Education had released new guidelines forbidding schools from teaching students more than five words total.