“Divine Athleticism: Can the Cardinal’s Jaw-Dropping Vertical Leap Propel Him to the Throne of St. Peter?”

In a surprising twist amid the holy hustle of Vatican City, Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan has soared to the forefront of the bizarrely competitive Papal Combine. At 75, he’s not just a man of the cloth; he’s practically flying through this four-day event with a vertical leap that would make even the most seasoned NBA players green with envy! Can you imagine the College of Cardinals—decked out in robes—dashing down a 40-yard baptism dash? Picture it: Dolan, with a 3-foot vertical leap, weaving through cones of holy wine, swinging a censer like it’s the newest gym equipment. It’s almost too good to be true, but according to analysts, he’s the real deal. However, in a comedic twist befitting a satirical masterpiece, it seems he may have jumped a little too high in the rankings, with rumors swirling around his unexpected exit after a blood test indicated a touch of Protestantism. Oh, the irony! In a time where spiritual agility seems to matter more than ever, it’s an exciting, albeit hilarious, time to witness the next chapter of Catholic leadership—if only a tad more conventional! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/CardinalWithNIBIHAGR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged as the frontrunner in the Papal Combine. “The College of Cardinals has produced some strong prospects this time around, but Dolan’s basilica agility time of 10.8 seconds has made this his papacy to lose,” said Catholicism analyst Dave Hutchins, adding that high-ranking members of the Holy See hadn’t seen vertical prowess like Dolan’s since the legendary John Paul II era. “These cardinals have been training their whole lives for this, but when the whistle blows for the 40-yard baptism dash, Dolan’s leaving them all in the dust. That 3-foot vertical is putting him way closer to God than any of the other pontifex maximus hopefuls. Every drill they run, Dolan’s at the front of the pack. He’s swinging that censer the fastest. He’s weaving through those cones and glasses of sacramental wine without spilling a drop of holy water. This is a cardinal in his physical and spiritual prime, and frankly, it’s an exciting time to be Catholic.” At press time, Cardinal Dolan had reportedly dropped out of the combine after a blood test came back positive for Protestantism.