“Global Sensation or Worldwide Chaos? Cackling Hims CEO’s Bold Ultimatum to Control the World’s Erection Switch!”
In a bizarre twist that sounds straight out of a satirical screenplay, Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum has thrown down the gauntlet in a dire warning: the world’s flaccid members are in peril—and he’s holding the switch to a global erectile uprising! You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried! Picture it: Ludlum, cackling like a villain in a comic book, standing in front of his “Universal Engorgement Generator,” demanding a cool $10 trillion or else it’s chaos for all the men out there. Could you even imagine the pandemonium of a city block suddenly overrun by a wave of uncontrollable erections? As authorities scramble to reassure citizens—who are now understandably petrified about unanticipated stiffness—the spectacle begs the question: How did we get here, and is the world really ready for a literal hardball negotiation? The clock is ticking and so are the, well, stakes! LEARN MORE
SAN FRANCISCO—Warning that every flaccid member across the globe now represented a ticking time bomb in his hands, cackling Hims CEO Joseph Ludlum released a statement Friday in which he threatened to pull a switch that would activate all the world’s erections at once.
In the three-minute video address, which was broadcast suddenly to millions of screens across the planet, Ludlum dared world leaders to question his resolve and stood before a massive electrically charged array that he referred to as the Universal Engorgement Generator. Sources confirmed that as energy crackled through the minimalist, pastel-
colored laboratory in the recording, Ludlum insisted that only if his demands were met could the planet avoid the mass chaos that would ensue if the genitals of countless men were to grow harder than anyone could ever imagine.
