“Uncovering the Linguistic Surveillance: Why Is the DHS Tracking Duolingo Users?”

In a world where learning a new language might just make you a spy—or worse, an international incident—the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is taking preemptive measures to keep us all safe from the perils of multilingualism. That’s right, folks! In a bold announcement, DHS has decided to whip up a national registry of Duolingo users, labeling anyone trying to learn Italian or Japanese as potentially suspect individuals threatening our cultural fabric. I mean, who knew that saying “Lo siento” could lead to a one-way ticket to Guantánamo Bay? It’s almost as if they believe fluency in foreign phrases is the first step toward overthrowing democracy! With 75 million users in the crosshairs, your next-door neighbor could be a bilingual danger. So grab your phones, hide your language-learning apps, and get ready to report any suspiciously well-versed friends or family—because learning a language might just become America’s newest taboo. Curious to see how far this absurdity goes? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/DHSBeginsNational_Duolingo-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country’s safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. “For unknown reasons, there are people in this country attempting to learn foreign languages ranging from Italian to Japanese, and we need to remain vigilant in the face of what they might be preparing,” said Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, warning that any Duolingo user who had earned a Social Butterfly or Flawless Finisher badge was not a real American and did not share the country’s values. “As a result of the Biden administration’s lax enforcement, the number of potentially dangerous Duolingo users in the country has jumped to over 75 million. Many of them have kept a streak alive for months. Anyone currently living in the country and earning XP on Duolingo must comply and register with the government or face deportation. We encourage citizens to report any neighbors they witness reciting phrases like ‘Lo siento’ or ‘Perdón’ into their phone.” Noem added that while most users were safe from punitive action at this time, anyone on the Duolingo leaderboards would be targeted immediately for extradition to Guantánamo Bay.