“Test Drive Gone Wrong: SUV Shopper Turns Hit-and-Run Suspect in Shocking Twist!”

Ever wondered what it’s like to take a test drive that doubles as a hit-and-run? Well, let me tell you, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt managed to blend the mundane with the absurd during his quest for a new ride. Seeking a powerful SUV that could tackle urban jungles—think curbs and pedestrians—he put the GMC Acadia through its paces in a way that left most dealership employees scratching their heads in disbelief. With a mix of enthusiasm and that ‘don’t-try-this-at-home’ bravado, Orcutt shared his findings from his unconventional test drive, claiming he was all about that “smooth getaway” and great gas mileage. So what does one look for in an SUV that also moonlights as a thrill ride? Buckle up, because this wild ride through the absurdities of car shopping is downright hilarious! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/ProspectiveCarBuyer-NIB-IHA-GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. “I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how smoothly this thing flees the scene of an accident,” Orcutt said of the GMC Acadia, adding that he was impressed by how well the mid-size sport utility vehicle handled curbs and bollards. “I popped right up on the sidewalk, over a guy, and into the park, no problem. The all-wheel drive was perfect for getting through the uneven mulch on the playground, and the backup camera made reversing out from under the slide so easy. Plus it gets great gas mileage. I topped out at 110 mph evading the police, and it barely used any gas.” Orcutt later confirmed that while he liked the Acadia, he ultimately needed something cheaper that wouldn’t depreciate the instant he drove it through a storefront window.