“Teen Psychic’s Bizarre Mental Experiment Ends in Nosebleed – What Did She Really Try to Conjure?”

In a move that makes every distant relative’s awkward Thanksgiving query about your love life seem mundane, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons from Eden Prairie, MN, ambitiously attempted to harness the power of his mind for what can only be described as a self-induced telekinesis experiment gone hilariously awry. Picture this: light bulbs smashing like champagne bottles at a high school graduation, dust and debris flying everywhere, as Derek, perhaps a little too confident in his abilities, boldly goes where no psychic has ventured before—into the realm of tele-masturbation! Sure, we’ve all had our fair share of bizarre fantasies, but how many of us would risk a nosebleed to reach new heights of pleasure with sheer brainpower? Join me as we dive into this absurd escapade of teenage bravado and questionable life choices—because sometimes, the real lesson is knowing which psychic powers to leave on the drawing board. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/PaleTeenageNIB_IHA-GR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. “I…I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my meat, but I…I lost control,” said a sweat-soaked Timmons, veins bulging on his massive head as several researchers rushed in to stop him before he could telekinetically stimulate his genitals again. “I should have never gone in for the fourth round, but I was feeling super horny. I overestimated my tele-masturbatory abilities. However, if I could just push my mind further, beyond the limits of known sexual fantasies, I could bring about an orgasm far greater than humankind’s wettest dreams.” At press time, sources confirmed the teenage psychic’s elderly mentor had agreed to show him the ropes.