“Unveiling the Shocking Truth: Why Musk Demands Every American Participate in the Wheel of Pain Challenge!”

In a world where absurdity takes center stage, it seems Elon Musk has flipped the script yet again. Picture this: a colossal Wheel of Pain, sharp-edged and menacing, looming over 340 million Americans—each one expected to strip down and take a turn pushing the thing relentlessly! Yeah, you heard that right. In a jaw-dropping announcement, Musk, now a senior advisor (because why not?), has declared that this torturous spinning contraption is the key to boosting our nation’s efficiency. I mean, who needs healthcare or education when you have a Ring of Blood to cleanse the soul, right? And, of course, some folks in power will get to sit this one out. It’s almost comforting to know that while the rest of us tackle this bizarre rite of passage, a select few will safely recline, sipping their orginial Starbucks as they watch the chaos unfold. Want the details on this rollercoaster of a policy? Trust me, you won’t want to miss this—<a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/MuskAnnouncesNIB_IHA-GR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—In a controversial move that has outraged those critical of President Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk announced Friday that all 340 million Americans must strip and take a turn pushing the Wheel of Pain. “Pulling off your garments and crawling into the pit in order to lash yourself to the Wheel of Pain is something that Americans are just going to have to get used to,” said the billionaire senior advisor to the president, confirming that a week-long shift operating the gigantic wooden circle riddled with sharp blades and jagged glass was a necessary and important part of making the country run more efficiently. “Of course, not everyone is going to like the fact that they will be expected to push nonstop without food or water until they collapse from exhaustion and are crushed under the wheel. But the point of this is not to make everybody happy. It’s about making the tough decisions and sticking to them. Say what you will, but ultimately we’re all going to have to submit to the terrible Ring of Blood whose cleansing agony none may escape.” White House sources later confirmed that Americans in a few key leadership positions would be exempted from pushing the Wheel of Pain.