Nephew's Dark Secret: Strangles Once More, Mystery Deepens

Ever wonder if family gatherings are more like the Hunger Games than we care to admit? Well, Uncle Zachary Goodpaster’s certainly been through it. His nephew, Cooper, a pint-sized troublemaker, isn’t just your average mischievous kid. Oh no, he’s been suspended from school for the third time for strangling his classmates! You have to wonder.. is putting your hands around someone’s throat just a phase or a career path in the making? This isn’t just a bad apple scenario; it’s a whole tree of troubling behavior. The teachers won’t touch the in-school suspension with a ten-foot pole, and the principal’s still working from home because, well, he didn’t sign up for death grips. Families, huh? I guess you can choose your friends, but not your strangling nephews. LEARN MORE.

WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is it?” said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child’s uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother’s oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands around a person’s throat and squeezing until they passed out. “Kid’s starting to get big. He’s like five-and-a-half feet tall. He was supposed to get an in-school suspension, but they couldn’t find a teacher who would agree to do it. Apparently, the union got involved. The principal couldn’t do it either. He’s still working from home while he recovers.” At press time, the 38-year-old man had flinched after his nephew went in for a hug.