Deity Under Wraps: God Enters Secret Protection Program Following Harrowing Murder Witness
Ever wondered what it would take to put the Divine on the low-down? Well, folks, imagine sipping on a cup of black coffee that’s been sitting longer than Methuselah, when suddenly, the hush-hush nature of an illegal underworld slaying comes knocking at your door…or in this case, God’s. Yes, you heard that right, God{the Creator of all things, has been whisked away into protective custody after bearing witness to a gangland hit in Camden, NJ. Who knew our almighty Lord’s next gig would be entering the Deity Protection Program?
Now, it might throw you for a loop to picture the almighty Ruler of the Universe, swapping His celestial throne for a life in hiding. But, here we are, with Uncle Sam (yes, that Uncle Sam) turning God into a bit of a witness protection case – sounds like a plot twist even M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t dream up.
So, what does this mean? Our 6,000-year-old deity now has a new identity, a new place to hang His hat, and a darkly humorous reality check about our earthly woes. And hey, lest we forget, even an omnipotent being needs some backup when dealing with the likes of the DeCavalcante crime family.
But, hold up! Before you start imagining God at the checkout line of your local Walmart, let’s dive into how He became a key witness, how the U.S. marshals got involved, and what this all says about the Goddamn state of witness protection programs in America. It’s a tale so wild, even divine intervention couldn’t script it better.
Curious to know more? LEARN MORE.
ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder.
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