RFK Jr. Invades Candy Plant, Demands Answers on Autism: "Show Me the Evidence!"

Is Robert F. Kennedy Jr. the modern-day hero we didn’t know we needed, or is he just on a sugar-fueled rampage after diving into too many Sour Patch Kids? In a bizarre twist that could only happen in 2025, RFK Jr., seeking to fulfill his health secretary’s duty, decided to tackle autism head-on… or rather, he aimed his gun barrels at what he believed to be its source: a factory producing nothing but sweet, tangy treats. Imagine, for a moment, if you could solve the world’s mysteries with a little bit of chaos, a dash of absurdity, and an unforgettable punchline. Here’s RFK Jr., looking to trace the roots of autism, not through vaccines but through vats of gelatin. LEARN MORE

EAST HANOVER, NJ—As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly shouted “Show me where autism is made!” Thursday while storming the Sour Patch Kid factory. “Attention Sour Patch Factory people: Give me the autism and no one gets hurt,” said the 71-year-old Cabinet member and vaccine skeptic, who cocked his gun and kicked down the door of the facility, grabbing workers, shooting bullets at conveyor belts, and kicking down enormous vats of bright colored gelatin before demanding to see the “head autism scientist” so he could kill him and “end autism forever.” “Enough! You can try to hide autism all you want, but I know it’s in here. I can smell it! I have searched high and low—at the Skittles factory, at the Warheads factory, and at the Nerds Gummy Clusters factory. But it ends today. Autism, prepare to eat lead!” At press time, Kennedy could be heard screaming “Oh no, the autism’s got me!” and begging a factory worker to put him out of his misery.