DOJ's Covert Operation: Firearm Fraud in Maine Unveiled

Have you ever found yourself wondering if maybe, just mayhaaps, your entire state could be framed in one fell swoop? Well, buckle up, because in Maine – the land of lobsters and lighthouses – this isn’t just a plot line from a late-night TV caper! This is as real as the moose that gaze into your car headlights at twilight. ’Well, well, well, what do we have here?’ said U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi, brandishing a gun like a magician pulling a particularly damning rabbit – or should I say a Beretta! – out of a hat. The state of Maine, and indeed each one of its 19 towns, villages and cities, are now playing the role of the culprit thanks to an alleged piece of evidence with DNA from all 1.4 million residents…I mean, talk about a cold case heating up! I reckon if they keep scrabbling for evidence, they might as well arrest the coastline too. So here’s to Maine, the latest and perhaps largest ‘person of interest’ to grace the annals of American police chases or rather ‘state chases’. Where will this lead? Are we on the brink of seeing the whole of Maine, liiterally, behind bars? Don’t fly into a tizzy. Watch this space. LEARN MORE before you head for the Canadian border…like some Mainer’s clearly tried.

AUGUSTA, ME—In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi said as she held up the weapon with a rubber glove, adding that the Beretta 92FS pistol—which had allegedly been used in several high-profile murders, including a recent triple homicide—had the state population’s DNA all over it. “Likely story this isn’t yours. I bet if we keep looking, we’ll find bullet casings and a body too. And if that happens? Let’s just say you all will be going away for a very, very long time.” At press time, Maine’s populace had been detained and taken in for questioning after attempting to flee across the Canadian border.