Celestial Neglect: Papal Election Delayed as Deity Dives Into the World of Terrestrial Insects

When the Almighty gets sidetracked by something as seemingly minuscule as ants, one can’t help but wonder if this is divine procrastination or just a real ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ moment for our Heavenly CEO. Folks, when you’ve known for ages, what’s one more pontiff in the grand scheme of things, right? So, with the Catholic Church eagerly awaiting a new leader, they’ll have to wait, as the Creator is currently, well, ant-focused. And here I thought I had a knack for multitasking, but pitting God’s newfound passion for myrmecology against His usual to-do list? That’s like watching a cosmic David vs. Goliath, with ants carrying much greater loads than one might expect! For those contemplating this curious conundrum, have you ever noticed that when you’re engrossed, the world could be on fire, and you’d still be trying to figure out which one’s the queen’s, right? Now, imagine the perplexity of the divine when deciding between papal papacy and ant-based agriculture … astonishling, isn’t it? LEARN MORE about God’s unexpected entomology detour.

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. “While I want to commit to finding a successor to Pope Francis, I’m currently in kind of an ant phase right now, and it’s taking up my whole life,” said the Creator of All Things, explaining that ever since He discovered how cool the insects were, He let His duties overseeing the papal conclave fall by the wayside. “Here’s the thing. Ants look small, but they are actually super strong and can lift over 50 times their own body weight. Plus, they communicate with pheromones! I know the Catholic Church is in mourning and needs a strong, compassionate leader, blah, blah, blah, but seriously—did you know that ants actually grow their own fungus? They’re tiny little farmers. How cool is that?” Later, after reportedly suffering an unexpected ant bite, God confirmed that the next pope would be selected on the basis of how effectively he could kill insects.