“Behind the Cloth: Pope Francis’ Children Seek Solace in Shadow as Public Ministry Ends”

Ever thought about what happens in the Vatican when the Pope’s no more? Well, let’s just say, it becomes the world’s most sacred game of Monopoly. Yes, the spiritual leader of 1.4 billion Catholics has left behind a legacy… and a pretty big family. And what do you do when Dad passes, leaving behind continents worth of siblings? You hold a press conference and say “Please, leave us be, we need some familial catharsis.” But let’s be real, at heart, they’re just like any other family—arguing over who gets the Vatican’s richest properties. Join us as we delve into the bizarre and sadly comedic tale of mourning, and potential real estate disputes, right at the heart of Christianity’s brokest souls. LEARN MORE.

VATICAN CITY—Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis’ children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father’s death. “While we are sincerely touched by the outpouring of condolences from across the world, we request that you respect our family’s need for space so we can navigate the loss of our beloved father,” said Ignacio Vásquez of Argentina, one of Francis’ 16 known children, who were born on six continents to at least seven different mothers. “I’ll never forget Christmases with my father, watching on TV from Buenos Aires while he celebrated mass at St. Peter’s in Rome. We didn’t get to see him much, but when we did, he was never too tired to chase us through the Sistine Chapel or play hide and seek in the Vatican Catacombs. To 1.4 billion Catholics he may have been the vicar of Christ on earth, but to us he was simply Dad.” At press time, Pope Francis’ children were reportedly behind closed doors arguing about who would inherit the Vatican.