RFK Jr. Unveils Secret List: Tracking America’s Silent Socialites

Have you ever thought, in the quiet of your own home, that you might be part of a national crisis? I mean, not the usual suspects like climate change or political meltdowns, but something much quieter…like enjoying your own company. Well, according to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., your love for solitude might just be the next big health scare. This weekend in Washington, he declared a war on introverts—or should I say, a war on peace? He’s so concerned about your aversion to karaoke bars packed with strangers, that he’s using the NIH to track down every last hermit… Now, before you start hoarding batteries for your noise-canceling headphones, let’s dive into what this registry is really about. Because let’s be real, if they round up introverts, there might just be a lot more room at the karaoke. LEARN MORE about how your quest for quiet time has become a national issue on the forefront of political agendas (and possible future cabaret entertainment! ).

WASHINGTON—Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes get social anxiety. “When I was younger, there were never people who liked to spend time home alone by themselves, but now it’s a national epidemic,” said Kennedy, who delivered the remarks at a press conference during which he confirmed federal researchers were working hard to develop treatments for individuals who felt occasionally felt uncomfortable in crowded rooms. “These people can’t live normal lives. They can’t make small talk. They can’t dance. They’ll never go to a backyard barbecue where they only kind of know one person from work.” At press time, experts were warning that the registry could be used to round up introverts for karaoke.