Local Woman Resolutely Keeps Calm as Ominous Galloping Phantoms Approach Her Town

Have you ever tried meditating through an apocalypse? Well, neither have I—at least, not yet! But after reading about Holly Debling’s unflappable attempt to “keep calm” while staring down the Four Horsemen, I have to wonder: Does the end of days really need to be a total vibe-killer for our self-care routines? I mean, there’s always that one friend who reminds you not to overreact when your coffee spills—but Holly takes it to a celestial level, coolly narrating the arrival of deathly specters the way others might comment on a surprise rain shower. Sure, the sky is splitting open, and my eyeballs might be dripping plasma, but honestly—is this any worse than dealing with Comcast? Maybe, just maybe, we all need a little Ativan…and an even bigger sense of humor. See the absurdity in action and brace yourself for some apocalyptic mindfulness right here: LEARN MORE.

LOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. “Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounded at the arrival of four unearthly riders, that doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is going to happen,” said Debling, who, as a great cloud of locusts poured forth from one horseman’s mouth and darkened the skies, added that keeping a cool head would be helpful whether or not the seas and rivers turning to blood became an issue for her. “I’m always assuming the worst and freaking out over nothing, and for all I know, a gaunt horseman pulling back his cloak to reveal a void of swirling darkness could be a good thing. Like, maybe he’s a harbinger of nice weather. Yeah. And my eyes are probably just bleeding because they’re dry. Panicking doesn’t do me any good even if these horsemen do ultimately mean a great earthquake will move the mountains from their places and the stars will plummet to the earth, so I might as well just try to stay calm.” Debling reportedly made a mental note to ask her doctor about trying the medication Ativan after the sky split open and hail and fire rained down upon her.