Trump Unveils Shocking Plan: Is a Beloved Craft Store the Future of American Incarceration?

Have you ever gazed down the endless aisles of Joann Fabrics and marveled at the sheer amount of yarn—even as a tiny part of you shudders, picturing what would happen if someone locked you in there overnight with only a glue gun and a vague memory of Home Ec? Well, what if the nation’s most notorious criminals had to face that very fate? In a move that reads like dystopian Pinterest fan fiction meeting DOC protocols, President Trump has reportedly set his sights on transforming Joann Fabrics locations (yes, all 850 of them) into high-security penitentiaries—complete with crafty punishments and perhaps the single most terrifying threat for the criminally inclined: forced macramé lessons before a crowd of bewildered suburbanites. Can you imagine a world where DIY stands for “Detain In Yarn”? Yeah, me neither. For a deep dive into this tapestry of justice and thread, click <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/TrumpVowsJoAnnFabricsNIBIHAGR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. government Monday to reopen Joann Fabrics and Crafts stores as federal prisons. “I am directing the Bureau of Prisons to use all 850 Joann locations to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders,” Trump wrote in a post on Truth Social, stating that officials had already begun investigating how to relocate and imprison violent and repeat criminals within the shuttered hobby store’s long, towering aisles filled with endless yarn, ribbon, and candles. “Joann’s will be a maximum security prison, with Rapists and Murderers chained to sewing machines and oversized looms, or locked inside Joann’s custom craft corner. Many years ago, Americans used to fear Joann’s ‘handmade happiness.’ And soon, these violent criminals and thugs will know why!” Trump added that inmates housed at Joann Fabrics would be forced, just like notorious criminals such as Al Capone once were, to teach macramé classes to shoppers on Saturday mornings.