Heaven’s Gamble Backfires: The Divine Bet on Cardinal Tagle That Cost $400

You know, there are days when I wonder if even omnipotent beings struggle with impulse control—because nothing quite says “divine intervention” like betting your heavenly nest egg on the long shot in a papal election… and then losing it all in a crackle of sacrilegious rage! I mean, come on—what’s more relatable than God doomscrolling on His phone, letting out an expletive when His pick for Pope doesn’t come through? Picture it: the creator of the cosmos frantically calculating how many miracles He’ll need to pull just to cover His losses (spoiler alert: He’s still $400 short) . It’s almost comforting to see the Lord Almighty, the Big Guy, wrestling with the same dumb luck and questionable decisions as the rest of us earthly mortals . Makes you think—if God can’t pick a winner, maybe I should just stick to fantasy football . Tempted to see the divine fallout? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/GodLoses400_NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

THE HEAVENS—Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV’s election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters Thursday that he had lost $400 Thursday betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. “Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out my savings,” said the visibly frustrated deity, who groaned that He had always known the Filipino prelate was a long shot but that the “insane payout” had been too good to pass up. “Dammit, I should’ve known they would go with another white dude. I know you’re never supposed to bet more than your liquid assets, but clearly I got greedy. Shit. I should probably just turn off my phone and lay low in purgatory or something. Otherwise, my bookie’s gonna break my knees.” At press time, God was reportedly spotted calling His son to ask if Christ could do Him a massive favor.