Why Did King Charles Abandon the Traditional Crown for an Unexpected Silicone Upgrade?

Ever wondered what would happen if centuries of royal tradition collided headfirst with the impulse aisle at Target? Well, neither had I—until King Charles III tossed aside his literal crown jewels in favor of a soft, stretchy silicone crown that, if you squint real hard, might double as a high-tech shower cap . Just imagine being a monarch and ditching the family bling—400 gemstones and all—because your scalp could finally breathe. Frankly, I can’t decide what’s more shocking: that His Majesty now enjoys a three-pack of comfortable headgear, or that he’s openly warning about the unspeakable hazards of mixing medieval fashion with heavy machinery! If you’ve ever felt oppressed by uncomfortable hats—or just need a bizarre mental image for your next Zoom meeting—this royal shakeup’s a must-read. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/KingCharlesNIBIHAGR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

LONDON—Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one.  “Unlike my old crown, this silicone one hugs my head perfectly without digging into my forehead or smushing down my hair,” said the British monarch, who enthusiastically demonstrated how much stretch the pink, rubberlike polymer could withstand without losing its shape. “You would think it would make my skin all sweaty, but it’s actually a porous material, so I find it quite breathable. It’s so comfortable, in fact, that I’ve actually fallen asleep in it several times. Plus, I don’t have to worry about losing a precious centuries-old heirloom with more than 400 gemstones on it—this new one came in a convenient three-pack.” Charles went on to say that he knew it was time to make the switch when his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, got the crown stuck in heavy machinery and had her head ripped off.