“Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning: Secrets, Shocks, and What’s Really at Stake in Ethan Hunt’s Last Mission”
Just when you thought the Mission: Impossible series had run out of ways to dangle Tom Cruise over certain doom, along comes The Final Reckoning—the eighth entry promising even more pulse-pounding action, computer-generated eyebrows, and, if box office analysts are to be believed, a small country’s GDP in ticket sales . But do you ever stop and wonder—at what point does a mission become, well, way too possible? Honestly, even the Evil Villain AI seems to be running out of fresh ways to chase Ethan Hunt around the globe, and Tom Cruise now seems more likely to escape gravity itself than mere henchmen . This, my friends, is why The Onion has heroically accepted the task of briefing you on everything you never knew you needed to know about the latest wildly explosive blockbuster—because let’s face it, the real impossible mission is keeping a straight face through these stunts . Ready to see what absurdities they’ve cooked up this time? LEARN MOREMission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.
Q: Who is directing?
A: Christopher McQuarrie with a gun pointed at his head by Tom Cruise.
Q: What stunts does Tom Cruise pull off in this one?
A: He manages to deliver several monologues about a computer villain called “the Entity” while maintaining a straight face.
Q: Isn’t Tom Cruise a Scientologist?
A: No. He’s Impossible Missions Force agent Ethan Hunt.
Q: Who is the movie for?
A. The Final Reckoning is great for everyone, whether you’re a male age 18 to 24 or a male age 25 to 40.
Q: What’s the mission this time?
A: To make $800 million at the box office.
Q: Why did the film have such a high budget?
A: McQuarrie insisted on using real innocent victims for each explosion.
Q: Is Clark Gable in it?
A: No, Clark Gable unfortunately continues to be dead.
Q: What new vehicle have they decided to stage an elaborate chase sequence with?
A: Let’s just say that if fans aren’t ready for a recumbent bicycle, then they better get ready.
Q: Should I ask Sara if she wants to go see it with me?
A: Yes. She might say no, but the pain of rejection will be nothing compared to the pain of not knowing.
Q: Is this the last Mission: Impossible film?
A: It’s the last one with non-CGI Tom Cruise.
Q: What’s Tom Cruise’s next project?
A: Based on probability, dying in a helicopter crash.
