FEMA Issues Mysterious Alerts Every Time “Twister” Hits TNT—But What’s Really Behind the Warnings?

Have you ever found yourself in a panic, scrambling for the remote, only to realize you’ve—gasp—missed Bill Paxton outrunning a flying cow again? Yeah, me too. So imagine my delight (and existential dread?) upon hearing that FEMA has rolled out an emergency alert system not for hurricanes, not for Amber Alerts, but for—get this—the next time Twister is on TNT. Honestly, is there any greater national emergency than missing Helen Hunt chasing tornadoes in 480p glory? With all the wild things the government ignores, at least they finally have their priorities straight. Grab your popcorn—and maybe your basic cable login—and ponder: what’s the real disaster—EF5 tornados, or missing the F5 scene? Sirens blaring, alerts chiming, I can already hear Stevie Nicks in the wind… <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/NewFemaAlert-NIB-IHA-GR_copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996 film Twister was airing on TNT. “If Twister is playing in your area, you will receive a notification on your phone that reads ‘Emergency Warning: Immediately find the nearest TV with basic cable,’” said FEMA acting administrator David Richardson, who confirmed the agency had launched the alert system in collaboration with the National Weather Service and the Helen Hunt Fan Club. “A Twister warning means that conditions for the film are just right. For instance, if it’s 1:30 p.m on a Friday, or if Angels In The Outfield was just on. A Twister watch means a promo has been spotted, and you should get yourself and your family on the sofa. Now, if you receive a notification saying there’s a Twister warning? Run. That means the F5 scene is already on.” At press time, sirens across the Great Plains were blaring songs from the film’s soundtrack, including Stevie Nicks’ “Twisted” and Van Halen’s “Respect The Wind.”