D.C. Doggy Daycare Owner Uncovers Unexpected Drama With Military Parade Float

Ever get the feeling you showed up to a black-tie gala wearing a foam dog costume and hurling beef snacks? That’s exactly where Frieda Shaw found herself—a doggy daycare owner smack in the middle of tanks, G.I.s, and serious, stone-faced patriotism at Trump’s military parade, clutching her over-sized plush puppy head and a fistful of Pup-Peroni samples . It’s like someone RSVP’d “Bring your own artillery” and she misread it for “Bring your own bark mitzvah.” As the cannons rolled by and the soldiers skipped her dog scrubdown coupons, I couldn’t help but wonder—are whimsy and war just star-crossed lovers doomed never to share a float? Or maybe, just maybe, all it takes is the right ‘Who Let The Dogs Out?’ remix to unite the generals and the groomers . Dive nose-first into this parade paradox with me—<a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/OwnerOfDCDoggyNIBIHAGR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly concerned as she peered around at the marching troops, towed artillery, and self-propelled howitzers, local D.C. doggy daycare owner Frieda Shaw told reporters Saturday that she worried her sponsored parade float was sticking out at President Donald Trump’s military parade. “At first, I was really excited to spread the word about Doggy Getaway—I even stayed up all night assembling this giant puppy head—but I keep getting the sense these soldiers don’t really want me here,” said the 53-year-old business owner, who reportedly removed her dog ears headband and attempted to rub away her painted-on whiskers as she looked at the endless rows of Abrams M1 battle tanks stretching down the streets of the nation’s capital. “Nobody else is throwing Pup-Peroni off their float. And those service members just seemed confused when I tried to hand them a discount coupon for one free doggy scrubdown. Huh. Looks like they’re also doing some kind of flyover. Guess it’s as good a time as any to blast ‘Who Let The Dogs Out?’ and see if I can get anyone dancing along with me.” Shaw added that she could try drawing some Hellfire missiles on the side of her float in an attempt to fit in, but it would go against everything her doggy daycare stood for.