Survivor Claims Angels Forced Him Into Silence With Heavenly NDA After Near-Death Encounter

Have you ever wondered if there’s a boring HR department in heaven, frantically filing away paperwork every time someone gets a peek behind the pearly gates? I honestly can’t stop cracking up at the thought—imagine you’ve just had the most transcendental, out-of-body experience of your life, only to be presented with… another NDA. Because obviously, the afterlife is a high-profile startup with tight-lipped angels for legal counsel. Houston’s own Kyle Hartsfield knows the pain—except his “stairway to heaven” comes with a trip hazard labeled “confidential.” I can’t tell if I’m more fascinated by his mystical contract or stressed about accidentally violating celestial copyrights. If you’ve ever questioned what goes on after the blinding white light, only to find out you’ll never actually know—thanks, legalese—you’re not alone . Will harp music greet you at the gates, or just a stack of paperwork thicker than the Book of Life? You have to see this absurd tale for yourself. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/ManReturningFrom-NIB-R.jpg”>LEARN MORE

HOUSTON—Recounting the deeply spiritual event as one that was life-changing but contractually difficult to articulate, area man Kyle Hartsfield recalled angels asking him to sign a nondisclosure agreement following a near-death experience, sources confirmed Thursday. “It was incredible, and I really wish I could talk about it,” said Hartsfield, describing the series of events in which he lost consciousness only to be awoken by an angel stoically sliding a stack of legal papers across a desk for him to sign. “I saw a blinding white light, I felt a warm glow envelop my body, and I can’t legally say more than that at this time. Heaven was beautiful, though. Somehow I felt both outside my body yet very calm—but I shouldn’t even be telling you that. I remember seeing a vision of St. Peter leaning down to whisper in my ear that he would destroy me if I ever revealed anything. I wasn’t religious before, but now I definitely believe in NDAs.” At press time, Hartsfield was reportedly able to share the detail that there was beautiful harp music playing in heaven’s lobby.