Fireworks Bans: Are We Protecting Lives or Dimming Our Celebrations?
Here’s a wild thought—what if Independence Day came with more kites and fewer trips to the ER? Every July 4th, our skies light up like a caffeinated Jackson Pollock painting—assuming those pyrotechnic displays are even legal in your zip code . Fireworks; they’re iconic, divisive, and (let’s admit it) the best way to make at least one neighbor move out by August . But imagine a world where birds find spare fingers for their nests elsewhere, kites rule the airwaves, and Indiana loses its most implausible tourist draw . Are we ready to exchange the thrill of combustibles for spicy peppers and a little peace and quiet? Maybe not . Maybe that’s why The Onion—champions of America’s strangest debates—dove into the absurd pros and cons of banning fireworks this year . Oh, and if you’re wondering whether your dog is really loyal or just in it for the treats, well… you might want to check out the full argument before lighting that fuse . LEARN MORE.
Millions of Americans will celebrate Independence Day with fireworks this year, though the legality of the explosives varies throughout the country. The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning fireworks.
PRO
Kites can take their rightful place as sovereigns of the sky
Lose most effective way to quickly raze 4,000 acres of forestland
Medical fireworks still available through firework dispensaries
No reason to visit Indiana anymore
Mom’s new boyfriend will instead have to prove himself by eating really spicy pepper
CON
No way to find out which dogs would abandon you in a shootout
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