Shy Diner Uncovers Sinister Reason She Fears Eating Under Watchful Eyes

Ever wonder if the NSA judges your snack choices? Gosh, maybe they’re sitting in some windowless bunker right now, clocking in every crumb you drop on your shirt and texting Peter Thiel about it . Imagine living in a world where it’s not your ex who haunts your lunchbreaks, but Big Brother, his satellites, and—oh, let’s not forget—those pesky data footprints we leave everywhere like digital Hansels and Gretels. This wild ride of an article brilliantly captures Kirsten Sears, who’s less afraid of spilling secrets and more mortified about spilling mustard while the government (possibly) takes notes. If you’ve ever found yourself mid-bite and wondered if you’re being surveilled by a drone, you’ll feel a camaraderie with her anxiety and unconventional coping mechanisms (neutral-colored foods, anyone?) as you read on . Who knew privacy fears could taste so oddly relatable? LEARN MORE

LOS ANGELES—Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. “I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed,” said Sears, who explained that she had developed the fear in adolescence around the time she started becoming self-conscious about her personal data and growing digital footprint. “I’d hate for Big Brother to see me with mustard on my face. Usually around lunch I’ll head to a stairwell, look around and realize that’s not safe, hop in my car, drive 150 miles to the desert, get out, and then walk 10 more miles by foot. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t stop imagining that every time I take a bite of my sandwich, Peter Thiel is thinking, ‘Oink, oink.’” At press time, Sears added that she restricted herself to neutral-colored foods to avoid satellite detection.