Panic Sweeps Nation as Lena Dunham’s Return Sends Public Into Hiding

Did you ever crack open your phone, see Lena Dunham trending out of the blue, and immediately wonder if you should start stockpiling canned beans? Believe me, you’re not alone . The nation quivered at the mere whisper of her return – and suddenly we’re all one viral headline away from barricading the windows, clutching bags of rice, and frantically texting, “Have you seen Twitter? Brace yourself!” It’s a collective, almost primal response; there’s something about Lena’s uncanny ability to ignite THE discourse, and, honestly, my SEO-trained brain can’t decide if it’s the apocalypse or the greatest thing to happen to my click-through rates all year . So, pull up a seat, but maybe keep one eye on your emergency go-bag – because when Lena Dunham hits the news cycle, nobody is safe (except, perhaps, your pageviews) . LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Springing into action to save what it could, the U.S. populace reportedly got to work this week boarding up windows and retreating to its cellars moments after learning Lena Dunham had reentered the news cycle. “Dear God, the day has finally come,” said Tulsa, OK, resident Amanda Pendleton, just one of the millions of Americans across the country who shoved whatever shelf-stable foods they could grab into their children’s arms and rushed to the stables to free the horses, hoping they would have a fighting chance against the emotionally raw, Dunham-centered onslaught headed straight their way. “That’s plenty of plywood on the door. Come on, kids, it’s time. Grab any weapons you can find and get downstairs. Don’t worry about Grandma. It’s too late to save her.” At press time, source confirmed the nation had placed cyanide tablets between its teeth in preparation for the terrible event and bitten down the moment the discourse arrived.